Get Better, Not Older...

"Get Better, Not Older"
by Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ CoachT

My friend who retired last year from years on Wall Street
tells me, "I have to watch very carefully how I spend my
money. I don't know how to do anything."

One of the reasons people find retirement challenging, is
also the solution to the problem of better aging: we
identify with roles in our lives. Worse than that, we enjoy
them. They're what our life is all about or we wouldn't
have been doing them in the first place.

Now my friend certainly knows how to do things. He can cook
his breakfast, he's an attentive father, he knows how to mow
the lawn. But to his way of thinking, now that he's no
longer a broker, he "doesn't know how to do anything."

Whether it's being a manager, a doctor, or a mother, a
recent study confirms we do best when have control over
roles we value, and that this is more important than a sense
of control over life itself. ["Role-Specific Feelings of
Control and Mortality," Neal Krause, Ph.D., and Benjamin A.
Shaw, Ph.D.; Psychology and Aging, Vol. 15, No. 4.]

What does this mean to you and me on a daily basis?

In the study, conducted over 6-7 years, participants were
asked to name the roles they valued most in their lives,
including such things as parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle,
friend, homemaker, provider, volunteer work, church member,
etc.

In the follow-up study it was found that participants who
were able to maintain a sense of control over the role most
important to them were less likely to engage in unhealthy
behaviors (smoking, drinking, obesity) and less likely to
die prematurely. And, the research found, it was only the
most important valued role that correlated with decline, not
choices two and three.

By "having a sense of control," I imagine they mean being
able to continue doing that. I also would imagine, unless
your life has been different of mine, there's no sense
assuming control over life in general. You've learned that
by now!

Your most-valued role amounts to why you like being alive,
or what makes life worth living. In other words, what
matters to you.

The researchers suggest that psychological coping abilities
"decline" with age. I suggest they can be bolstered, even
increase by studying EQ, and a look ahead is an emotionally
intelligent thing to do.

In my coaching work with clients in transition, the
"transition" often amounts to the fact they've lost or been
ousted from a role they enjoyed. Some were fired, some
forced into retirement, others lost children prematurely,
others are between parenting and grand parenting, and not
"needed" by anyone in that special nurturing role.

How can you cope better? While life is about losses, it is
equally about gains and wins. While you may be dumb-founded
by an immediate loss, with time and Emotional Intelligence
competencies, you can make the next step and find a new
role.

Somewhere there's a baby crying . a group that needs
managing . an account that needs balancing. How you define
your role is up to you. It's personal choice and that's
what EQ is all about. You may no longer run Coca-Cola, but
you can run the volunteer department of the local children's
shelter.

We're so busy when we're young, and so many of the roles are
proscribed, we can forget it's an open and flexible system.
Lamenting my "last baby," I was reminded by an older friend
that she went weekly to the neonatal unit at the hospital
and sat and rocked the newborns.

On a recent flight to Seattle, I met an 80 year old woman
with her foster baby. She took newborns to their adoptive
parents, usually a plane ride. There she was with infant
seat, bottles, diaper bag, and the whole thing. How she did
it physically I don't know. It must've been the drive of
her heart, the satisfaction she got, and the physical
condition she had to be in to do it. The heart will
motivate.

Emotional Intelligence involves flexibility and being able
to generate new solutions. Just as the teenager must one
day have her first job, you will one day have to move into
new territory, one way or another. Re-creating roles is one
thing you can do for better aging. If you are "stuck" on a
certain definition and in the "yes, but" mode, consider
something different.

CLIENT: I miss so much being a mother.
ME: Then go mother someone.
CLIENT: That's not the same thing. That's not being their
REAL mother.
ME: Says who?

I have had, when working at the children's shelter, a child
tell me, "I know you're my real mom." Yes, it's
heart-rending. Yes, that's part of it. Wasn't it part of
it the first time round?

As a volunteer director, I relied on many people who were
starting new roles, and the more they considered it their
job, their real job, the more helpful they were to me.
Managing the kitchen of the shelter can be as much a real
management job as you make it, and if you think it isn't
"real" and isn't needed, on what do you base your judgment?

Does money have to change hands? There are other things to
work for, and other rewards, and if being important is one
of them, you will, if anything, be more important, because
many volunteers call in at the slightest whim to cancel, or
don't show up at all. They don't take it seriously. Taking
things seriously is a personal decision and totally within
your control.

Molly has "adopted" her niece and nephew by-marriage, who
are very young and going through some very difficult times.
Notice these people are not even related to her. With a
newborn in the house, their toddler has been diagnosed with
a heart defect, possibly terminal, and requiring lots of
care, while one of their parents is also dying. No one told
them Molly wasn't their mother. And believe me, no one
asked for her credentials when she showed up at the door of
this overwhelmed young couple.

Somewhere there's someone who needs you in the role you
value most, and if you haven't found them, you're being
lazy. Don't be lazy. You're needed. Get out there!

©Susan Dunn, MA, EQ & Life Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc ..
Susan Dunn coaches individuals in emotional intelligence for
life improvement. She trains and certifies EQ coaches, the
perfect midlife profession. She is the author of "How
to Live Your Life with Emotional Intelligence," and "How to
Develop Your Child's EQ." She offers Internet courses,
ebooks and individual and group work.


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